Sidebangs and Sophomores

I have been meaning to write a blog post all summer. I haven't written one in....a while. I won't have time to write one for a while either. So this will probably be the last you hear of me for a pretty long time.

As I've mentioned before, I'm very busy. I've taken on even more things to do this school year than you could probably ever imagine, like 11-12 hours of dance a week, homework for 5 honors classes (with my other classes being the school paper, gym, and lunch), and the school musical (an extra 6-9 hours of dance a week).

And in fact, I'm very busy right now. My grandparents are here so I have to go entertain. I'll see what I can do about updating this more frequently. But for now, CIAO.

Love,
SoyJoy

Finals and Beginnings

So this is a keyboarding final...I woke up at 6:30 this morning to come into school for two hours and sit and play on the computer until 8. Greeeeeeeeat.

All of my other finals are done except Science. That's tomorrow. I'm going to wake up at 6:30 to sit in school and wait for my final until 10.

At least there's a party today until 12. We're having a surprise party for our math teacher. SHHH don't tell.

I'm so bored right now.

But I'm thinking about how many good things have happened to me this year. I have the grades for an almost perfect GPA. I've gotten really good scores this year for dance, and we got invited to a dance camp that we are going to fundraise for over the next dance season so that we can go next summer. I can dance on pointe shoes, kind of, and I'm going to try Modern in the summer. I can get my driver's permit in 11 months, and I can possibly get a job at a daycare center afterschool this fall. I got a new camera from my aunt and uncle, who want to steal for next summer to visit them in Nevada. Which should be interesting because my first time on a plane will be all by myself. I've figured out that when I grow up I want to be a dance therapist, but that I don't know where to go for college. I'm only a freshman, but I wish I could figure out my future right now. I've tried more than once to plan my academic schedule for the rest of high school, but ended up just getting frustrated when I couldn't pick my electives. If you haven't noticed, I like to plan ahead.

This was the blog for whoever does NOT want to read about my boyfriend. That will be in my next post. But for now, it is 7:50 a.m. and my REAL keyboarding final is about to start.

TTYL<3
Soyjoy

Elephants and Hero-in

Today in science we talked about elephants jumping off of the Empire State Building. And it's raining outside. So it's no wonder that I was in such a depressing mood.


I really shouldn't have been in such a bad mood. And yet I was. And it's probably the weather, or the fact that I haven't danced in a week, or the fact that I got in trouble at school for using an old pass to get from lunch to my locker because that's how lame high school is. But I ended up taking it out on my boyfriend. Poor guy, it seems like all that happens lately is I get sad and he listens to me and just feels bad because it's his fault. It's not fair. He asks me to and buys my ticket for Prom, he meets my parents, he brings me flowers and presents, he sends me postcards, and he calls me every night. And all I can give him in return is a kiss, a paper card, and a cheap keychain. He loves it, but I love him, and I don't want to put him through my bad moods and stuff when he is so good to me. It makes me feel guilty and horrible to put my bad moods on anyone. It scares me when I have to. And the fact that I confide in just about anyone scares me, too. Because I might say the wrong thing. Or I might say the right thing that they don't want to hear. And then they will just run away, without a warning. Straight for the hills. To the mountains.

The idea of any one person that is a part of my life leaving me just for some reason breaks my heart. I just cannot handle the thought of anyone drifting out of my life. Comes with the perfectionist territory, I guess. Sometimes, everything has to be perfect or it isn't worth anything to me.It seems so surreal that one day I will share a life with new faces, new people and new places. I don't want anything to change. It would break my heart. The heart that has molded a spot for every single friend, lover, and family member. Every dancer and every Girl Scout. I've seen so much heartbreak that wasn't just my own. Everyone seems to move on in their lives, change location, and begin anew. I stay in the same place always, so change is hard for me sometimes. I've never moved, and I never change, so I am the one stuck with all of the pain. The leftover coffee, and the wrong ballet slippers. But I want to stay the same person I am, because I like who I am a hell of a lot. And what makes me the person I am is the people around me who are what they are. When they leave, the spot they've made for themselves in my heart is empty for a long time until someone else fills it, but should they take up residence if they are just going to leave soon? Is it worth it to start something - a friendship, a sisterhood, a romance -that will one day, sadly, end?

After thinking about it for a long time, I have decided it is.

I mean, you can't live your whole life afraid of death. You can, but its stupid and pointless and Bor-ring. Replace death with the broader and more general concept of an end and it's what I'm doing now. Letting people from my past get in my head and freak me out. I don't want them in my head because all I want to concentrate on are the people that are here now. And I want to help make them as happy as they have and still do make me. I owe them that much, because that is really the most important thing I would ever wish to give them. Along with compliments, smiles, and a few laughs every now and then. Because life isn't about letting yourself feel hurt, and it's pathetic to feel sorry for yourself and all of the bad things you've been through.

Step forward. Take a chance. Have a great experience. When it's over, just get up and brush yourself off. Learn something. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Unrestricted love,
Soyjoy <33

Day Five: Juniors and Freshmen

I am in the best mood. I haven't been this completely happy with my life in months. Months. I am so happy. I have been smiling all day and just jumping all over my house like a crazy person for the past few days because I am so happy. And yes it is because of a boy. I totally didn't write anything on here about him because he reads my blog so why would I put stuff on here about me liking him, especially because he told me he didn't like me? That would be stupid!!


So heres the story:
We have been talking for a few weeks, about 3 hours a day at least for about 4 weeks now I think. We talked about everything and nothing until 11pm and we became really good friends really fast. I was bored one day when my parents weren't at home, so I invited him over to hang out. I showed him the tragically awful quality dvds from my dance competition and we sat on my couch. He had his arms around me and we were holding hands and I kissed him on the cheek a few times but other than that nothing happened. We were just really close friends running around making sure we didn't get caught by my dad who was coming home soon. But we both had a lot of fun, and he picked up that I liked him. And he asked me to go see the school play with him, and we decided it would be a date. Of course I found out later that I couldn't go, but who cares.
Anyway, I invited him over again a couple days later. We watched another dance dvd because I was supposed to make sure it worked, and we sat and talked for a while. And I started kissing him on the cheek, and I sat there with my forehead on his cheek just looking at his lips. And we just sat like that for what seemed like hours, but I didn't want to kiss him because I didn't want to do something he didn't want me to. And he had never had a first kiss. He had never had a girlfriend. Even though he is 2 years older than me, I feel so comfortable with him. I'm not scared that he's going to want to go to fast, or cheat on me, or do anything stupid. I know that he cares about me. Because after that hour-long second, he kissed me. And for the rest of the time he was there, we just kissed and kissed and he just is so adorable that I can't even figure out how to say how happy he makes me. And how happy it makes me that I have a boyfriend who treats me right. Who wants to tell his parents and all of his friends and just be there for me and love me and take me out and talk to me and just be himself for me. He's seen me laugh and cry and freak out over nothing and bitch and complain and he STILL likes me.

My friends are kinda being very awkward about it, because of the age difference and the fact that they didnt know I even liked him. They really love me too, but they think that kissing on the first date is kinda sketchy.

But nothing is going to ruin this for me. I like him a lot. And I am happier than anything or anyone right now. No one can take that away.

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time
you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."

Especial Love,
SoyJoy <3

Day Four: Knee Socks and Sunshine on Sesame Street

Hey!!!! I haven't been here in a while...*looks around*...Nice to see nothing's changed much since I've been gone. Except everything.

I miss blogging. I get so sidetracked with Facebook that I don't blog. That's quite depressing. But at least life isn't so depressing anymore. I have given up on my Inspirational Quotes of the Day because they pretty much suck, so I'll just use a different one.

Quote of the Day:
"When you can't remember why you are
hurt, that's when you are healed." --Jane Fonda

I haven't forgotten why I'm hurt; I just like that quote. This one describes it a little better:

"I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." --
The White Tie Affair

I'm sick of hurting so I won't. I'm starting over, without him, and the drama that weighs more than he does. It feels really great to be so happy and single and happy to be single. Nothing's going to screw this up. I made some great new friends, and I'm already so screwed up that I'm constantly afraid of trusting them and screwing up and having them disappear like bunnies in a black hat. I'm getting over it and it's going well, so if you mess with me, you will hurt. Severely. Worse than I did. I'll make sure of it. =)

Today was so sunshineyyy. It put me in such a good mood this afternoon. I felt so free. It cleaned me of all the bad thoughts and bad moods and bad hair days of the past month and I just blasted Legally Blonde the Musical on my mp3 while I walked home. I opened the shades while I practiced the solo that I am making up for no reason to Sorry by Maria Mena. It's such a pretty song and my dance to it is coming out so good. Unfortunately, the only thing that MIGHT happen with the dance is making it my solo for the school Dance Showcase next year or it could become my competitive solo for next year...we'll see. I'm doing it for me and that's all that matters. That I'm having fun dancing around in my living room in my dad's knee socks with the shade open on a sunny day.

After dancing around my 65 degree house in shorts, a cami, and knee socks, I went on the computer and wrote the alphabet note. It was really fun, because the questions weren't like "What hurts you right now" or "Do you miss anyone." They were easy kindergarten questions, like "Your favorite color? Your favorite animals?" Like Zac and Vanessa. I responded with many answers to every question, because then I actually knew what to write about. But now I can't and it is bugging me so much! Now I have no clue what to write about. At all. I have no poetic inspiration or any new facts to report. Besides the fact that junior guys aren't as scary as you think...I. Gots. Nothing.

So I guess I'm off to work on my dance some more. If I think of anything more to write, you know I'll keep you posted.

Love,
~~~Soyjoy ~~~

Day Three: Submarines and Yellow Daisies

"Row, row, row your boat
Underneath the stream
Ha-ha I fooled you
It's a submarine!"

I love her sooooo much. She is amazing. And while her blog may sound completely misanthropic she really is very funny and bubbly and overall just amazing and I love her. Her blogs are really very creative and she's a very talented writer.

I was thinking about writing today. I think it's because I wore my yellow daisy in my hair. For no reason other than dressing as an attractive peasant girl with short term memory loss for Spanish class. I think it makes me get really creative. It is the same flower I wear when I tap to "I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker With Flowers In My Hair". Dancing, writing...expression in the most superior forms.

I found a website full of quotes for writers, and I thought about one that really stuck in my head:

“Writing is like driving at night in the fog.
You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that
way.” --E.L. Doctorow

I think that's really...insightful. Interesting. True.

Maybe that's why I love writing. Especially poetry. You don't know anyhting except what you are writing that very second. You write what pops into your head at any second and it can make no sense, but it can make a lot of sense. Or it can make sense that it doesn't make any sense at all. Writing is personal and no one can tell you it is wrong, because who know what you are thinking besides you? Nobody. And who should know what you are thinking besides you? Nobody. No one can tell you what to write, just like no one can tell you what to think or feel. And don't let anyone think otherwise. Because the second you do, that person throws you out of your car, turns off your headlights and drives your car straight off of a cliff.

Today's Inspirational Quote:

"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm. As you get older, remember you have another hand: the first is to help yourself, the second is to help others."-- Audrey Hepburn

I'll break any arms who try to get their hands on your steering wheel.

Love,
SoyJoy

Day Two: Black Eyes and Rainbow Ribbons

"And the award for Beautiful Finished Feet goes to...number 312 Ballerina!!"
"AHHHHHHH!!"
"You look shocked are
you shocked?"
"Uh YEAH"
"Why are you so shocked?"
"Umm I don't know...Yeah Sure..."

I love the world of dance. If you read my other post, you are probably sitting there saying "Oh my God all she writes about is dance whatafreak." Haha I do write about dance a lot I suppose, because I dance a lot. It is my entire life. Dance, then everything else...It is the natural order, the way things have to be to stay...sane. And I really don't mind that at all, especially when we get all high golds and a PLATINUM, plus 5 special awards and a Best Choreography award, at our first competition of the season! The entry fees, the makeup that stays on for days, the half can of hairspray left, the laundry, the glitter - it all pays off. Every sweaty piece of clothing and empty water bottle has a purpose: go out there and show the judges and other dancers just how great you are and how much potential you have as a dancer, a performer, an artist.

Now what to do with the talent is the question. Stay in competitions, for sure. Dance Showcase at school, of course. But I need extracurricular activities to get accepted into the National Honors Society next year. My teacher that choreographed that platinum performance is going to be the dance team coach at my high school. So I could do that. Or I could be in the school musical. The upside - it only goes from September to November, and the teacher who runs it loves me. The downside - I'd have to put up with some people that don't really like me. Or I could just do the school paper that I already signed up for and not stuff five million things on my petite sophmore plate.

I already have a lot: homework for 4 honors classes, dance 4 days a week, and my friends. Who really don't get to see me much because I have dance. But I don't have many friends, and I don't think I'm that much of a people person anyway. I'm nice, but sometimes people don't get my jokes and they think I'm lame. I think I get it from my mom; she thinks friends are a waste of time and energy and she only has a few. But she has been getting friendlier towards the dance moms; they are really nice.

I thought I was really nice too. But lately I've been thinking about it. Maybe I'm not as nice as I think. I mean yeah, I always get a hall pass and I never do anything against the rules. But maybe my social skills are a little screwy. I think I talk too much. And it's always a secret or something private about someone that spills. Like when I told my best girl friend something about my best guy friend. And then I told him I told her. And then he told me to tell her that he was kidding. And then I told her that he told me to tell her that I was kidding, but that he told me he wasn't. I get really frustrated sometimes. But I do it anyway. And I don't want to anymore. Which brings me to...

Quote Of The Day:
"The measure of success is not whether you have a
tough problem to deal with, but whether it is the same problem you had last
year."-- John Foster Dulles

I always do the wrong thing when I know it is wrong. Well, in any issues that don't concern drinking, drugs, crime, or sex. I guess I don't mind getting yelled at because I am always forgiven. But then I lied to someone and wasn't forgiven. It actually ruined my life because he was the love of my life.

He sat with me on the bus and we talked about anything and everything. We were best friends. I had a boyfriend at the time. About a week after I broke up with him, this bus buddy asked me out. I said I wanted to wait because I did like him, but I was kinda stressed about the breakup plus I was really really sick at the time and didn't know what it was (it turned out to be mono and lyme disease). Also, I didn't want to hurt him by saying I'd go out and have it end up not working out because I wanted to be friends, and he said that he wouldn't care as long as he got a chance because he really liked me. A lot. For a long time. And we promised that if we broke up, we would be best friends.

It was all a lie.

I'll skip the inbetweens, but after almost 3 months we broke up. He called me and really obnoxiously called me a bunch of BS even though I was crying onthe other end, told me he didn't want to deal with me anymore, and hung up. The next day he apologized and told me that he wanted to stay friends because he promised, so I agreed. But then he told me that my idea of being stop-at-the-locker, talk-between-classes friends was too desperate, so he didn't talk to me for a month. Last week I told him I was sick of him being mad and I just wanted the fight to end because I still care about him and can't deal with seeing him ignore me every single day. It hurt. It was like ripping off a BandAid, because as much as it hurt, I had to do it because I couldn't say no. I didn't want to risk losing him for good, because even though he said he would never talk to me again, he did. I still feel like he needs me. Some of his friends are really mean people. I feel really protective of him, even after everything thats happened. And I would still be happy to kiss him. Which is sick and twisted when you think about it, but if you knew his adorable ex-lip-virgin verbal and physical romantic abilities you would understand -- and opt for that instead of a candlelight dinner any day.

He always told me I deserve better. I don't believe it now, but I might soon. I will soon.

The next thing I will do even sooner is go to sleep. No I didn't write all of this in an hour, and it is certainly not my best or most colorful blog, but oh well this weekend was EXHAUSTING. I will try to be better about updating. But since I always do the wrong thing, I think it will be a surprise for both of us.

Love,
Soyjoy <3

Day One: Foot Pawz and An Inconvenient Truth

Hello. Welcome to my blog, where I will show you one hour of my whole day's worth of thinking as many days as I possibly can. But as we all know I'm very busy. Try to live a day with out my writing every now and then. This isn't a diary of sorts; I'm not going to tell you what I had for breakfast or what cute boy looked at me in Spanish class. I'm going to give you what I want, when I want. Yes I am controlling, but its my blog for God's sakes.

I thought I'd start by explaining my title. You see, FootPaws are the dance shoes I wear. Well, I also wear my four-year-old tap shoes (perfectly broken in, I might add) and my almost four-month-old pointe shoes (you can only have one pair of nicely broken-in shoes). Only the ball of your foot is covered. Your toes, your heel, your arch is exposed. The least amount of your foot is exposed. Like Victoria's Secret, for your feet. That explains why they derived from a shoe called FootThongs.

I love my pawz, and I love to dance. I go to just dance! in Bridgeport. It's worth the 45minute round trip to see my favorite dancers in the whole world. They are my sisters, and without them I would dance but not as happily as I do right at this very point in time. We have a team of the 6 most talented girls in town in my opinion, and we are getting better every day. I'm always getting better, even though CQuinn shows me off as the best. I dance in school shows, I dance at studio shows and at competitions like the one on Saturday. Dancing is just -- the best thing that has ever happened to me. It keeps me physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. It is my escape from the everyday world. I can put on a show, show everybody all the amazing things I can do because really besides a couple of stuffy old ladies and gay guys who the hell notices a sickled foot or a parallel supporting leg every now and then? It is like acting for the flexible-- I can be happy, heartbroken, sassy, sexy, whoever I want whenever I can find the space. Which is partially why I made this blog...because there is never enough space. If I had my way I would dance every single minute of every single day. As it is I already dance at home, at the studio, even under my desk at school when no one's looking. No don't look that takes the fun out of everything!

Don't look. That would be nice. If no one looked at me. Hey, I wouldn't have to do make up. And I mean, I love writing, but you dont have to see an author, right? Just the work they come up with. You can laugh or cry or be in awe of something even if the woman who made it is invisible right? The problem is that I can't help but make people look. I like to brag too much. Hey look at me! See what a good writer I am? I like compliments, maybe too much, maybe too little. Because if I really cared if people thought I was amazing, then I wouldn't be doing stupid things like complaining to the first person I come across or breaking a promise or asking to be forgiven or falling in love with my best friend. And I most certainly wouldn't be crushed after it ended because then I couldn't hear people say Look at how well she's taking it. Yeah. Mhmm. He called me a slut just to hurt my feelings enough so that he wouldn't have to deal with me wanting him back. Yep, dont worry. I'm just fine, thank you for asking.

I may not be fine now, but I will be. I have to be. Because if I'm not, then I can't be the brave SoyJoy and help those little girls acheive their platinum dreams and be the big sister role model that I wish I could have. They deserve that much, after everyone else left us to follow their own dreams. CQuinn and I, we'll take care of them and help them to be the best dancers, and the best young ladies they can be, even if they will always be my little sisters. The best little sisters I could ever wish for.

Wish. I wish for a lot of things. Is that selfish? Maybe. Hmm. Wish. Seems kind of silly for me to wish. I mean, there are people in third-world countries wishing for a shelter, wishing for a cure, wishing for enough food and water to get through the day. So wishing for a good life seems...impossible to do. How can anyone who has as much as I have possibly wish for something more? Wishing for a boyfriend, wishing for a platinum, wishing for school to be over...my wishes are wasted. I just saw An Inconvenient Truth in science class. So tonight instead of someone to apologize for breaking my heart like I have been for a month, I think I will wish for an end to global warming. Maybe then I will live long and healthy enough to see my other wishes come true.

I really want to end every blog post I made with the Quote of the Day I recieve in my email. So here goes kicking off the tradition:

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might-have been has never been, but a has was once an are."-- Milton Berle

Here's Hoping!

Love (Whether you like it or not),
**Soyjoy**