Elephants and Hero-in

Today in science we talked about elephants jumping off of the Empire State Building. And it's raining outside. So it's no wonder that I was in such a depressing mood.


I really shouldn't have been in such a bad mood. And yet I was. And it's probably the weather, or the fact that I haven't danced in a week, or the fact that I got in trouble at school for using an old pass to get from lunch to my locker because that's how lame high school is. But I ended up taking it out on my boyfriend. Poor guy, it seems like all that happens lately is I get sad and he listens to me and just feels bad because it's his fault. It's not fair. He asks me to and buys my ticket for Prom, he meets my parents, he brings me flowers and presents, he sends me postcards, and he calls me every night. And all I can give him in return is a kiss, a paper card, and a cheap keychain. He loves it, but I love him, and I don't want to put him through my bad moods and stuff when he is so good to me. It makes me feel guilty and horrible to put my bad moods on anyone. It scares me when I have to. And the fact that I confide in just about anyone scares me, too. Because I might say the wrong thing. Or I might say the right thing that they don't want to hear. And then they will just run away, without a warning. Straight for the hills. To the mountains.

The idea of any one person that is a part of my life leaving me just for some reason breaks my heart. I just cannot handle the thought of anyone drifting out of my life. Comes with the perfectionist territory, I guess. Sometimes, everything has to be perfect or it isn't worth anything to me.It seems so surreal that one day I will share a life with new faces, new people and new places. I don't want anything to change. It would break my heart. The heart that has molded a spot for every single friend, lover, and family member. Every dancer and every Girl Scout. I've seen so much heartbreak that wasn't just my own. Everyone seems to move on in their lives, change location, and begin anew. I stay in the same place always, so change is hard for me sometimes. I've never moved, and I never change, so I am the one stuck with all of the pain. The leftover coffee, and the wrong ballet slippers. But I want to stay the same person I am, because I like who I am a hell of a lot. And what makes me the person I am is the people around me who are what they are. When they leave, the spot they've made for themselves in my heart is empty for a long time until someone else fills it, but should they take up residence if they are just going to leave soon? Is it worth it to start something - a friendship, a sisterhood, a romance -that will one day, sadly, end?

After thinking about it for a long time, I have decided it is.

I mean, you can't live your whole life afraid of death. You can, but its stupid and pointless and Bor-ring. Replace death with the broader and more general concept of an end and it's what I'm doing now. Letting people from my past get in my head and freak me out. I don't want them in my head because all I want to concentrate on are the people that are here now. And I want to help make them as happy as they have and still do make me. I owe them that much, because that is really the most important thing I would ever wish to give them. Along with compliments, smiles, and a few laughs every now and then. Because life isn't about letting yourself feel hurt, and it's pathetic to feel sorry for yourself and all of the bad things you've been through.

Step forward. Take a chance. Have a great experience. When it's over, just get up and brush yourself off. Learn something. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Unrestricted love,
Soyjoy <33